It finally happened.
My rather sad and pathetic cousin has come out to his parents.
It’s about time too.
Not that he is much of a gay.
In fact as far as gays go he is rather disappointing.
I intend on remaking him.
How does one go from almost straight to glorious gay?
Firstly, one has to look the part.
He’s a fine looking man.
Plays GAA, and hardly drinks or smokes.
But his looks are hidden under a thick veneer of cheap clothes and poor facial maintenance.
No matter, I have a team that can fix him up.
A gaggle of homos that will make him look beautiful.
Hair cut, facial and a new wardrobe will be his before the weekend is out.
But it’s not enough to look like a gay.
One has to act like a gay.
No! Not one of those repressed truck driving, married types.
An A list gay.
Speak the Queen’s English.
Have excellent manners.
Be well educated and well informed.
I shall have to get him in to Trinners.
Heaven forbid that he should go to the other college.
And absolutely no more sex in saunas.
With priests and school teachers.
From here on I will vet all his dates until he can be trusted to show good sex judgement.
No cousin of mine will be seen cavorting with B listers.
What next? A sex date with a soap star.
What would his poor mammy say!